A weekend for reflecting...

I don't mind the heat and I never have, but I think I've hit my own limit this weekend!! The temperatures have been at or above 100 degrees for the last several days, and I must say I've had enough! I like most people who live here learn to adapt quickly, which means you take advantage of the mornings and the evenings for outdoor activities and hibernate during the inbetween hours inside with the air conditioning. It's sort of like winter in some ways if that makes sense.

So instead of griping about something that I can't control like the weather...I'm trying to make the best of it. The operative word being trying! Some griping still creeps in!! Human nature I suppose. Anyway, I've been spending my hiberating time reading and reflecting. I'm reading a few books at the same time right now and one book that I just got yesterday has pushed my introspective thinking into overdrive. The book is called "Awakening at Midlife" and it has had me flipping pages like a maniac. So I've had to put the book down a few times so that I don't race through it too quickly and miss some good things. That's when I pick up something else to read, but while reading these other things I can feel my mind simmering on some of the ideas.

At a minimum, I'm feeling much better about the feelings that I've been experiencing the last few years. And I think I've subconsciously been beating myself up for my malaise and confusion. I think I'm just now starting to realize that this difficult time is perhaps something to embrace in some respects. It's a period of lots of potential growth for me...that is if I let it be. I think I've still been conflicted about letting go of some things, but I see lots of choices in my near future. I see that some pain will be unavoidable and I have to stop thinking that I can somehow come out of this process painlessly. Even if I choose not to do anything, I can see that I will have to come to terms with lost opportunities.

So I do a lot of internal talking about understanding the nature of letting go...letting go of my attachments...and fear in itself is an attachment...and I think I need to let that go as much as I can anyway. Letting go, I know, doesn't mean giving up but it is a surrendering of sorts...an acknowledgment that I can't control things no matter how much I struggle and in fact the struggle against the current of life makes it that much more difficult. Swim with the current. Tack with the wind. Funny...over the last few years I have felt myself loosen and let go of many things....but I still feel there's still lots left to let go of and surrender. And it may take the rest of my life.

So I'm going to keep reading and thinking. I have many choices up ahead...and I'll have to make one and I must remember that I can't avoid making a choice in the near future because in essense not making a choice is also a choice. And I want to be proactive. I don't want to start the second phase of my life by default. I must be an active and self-aware participant. All the answers are within me...I just need to seek the quiet and listen to that inner voice. Me.