Beginning a new year...

Today I'm beginning a new year. I've had a bit of a ritual over the last several years where I spend a good part of each October reflecting on my life; thinking about where I've been and where I want to go. And although this October was especially busy and harried, I still managed to find time to reflect.

This past year has been full of lots of changes for me...many of them internal. I've made a few mistakes over the last year, but I've tried not to be too hard on myself about those mistakes. I try to remember that I am a work in progress afterall....and that mistakes can be a learning gold mine. I'm learning to better let go of things that I can't control....but I still backslide now and then. I'm becoming calmer and more relaxed with each passing year....and that has made a big difference in my life. I've learned that being enlightened doesn't mean that you no longer become angry, hurt, or sad; but rather, I've learned that even the most enlightened individuals feel those things, but they've learned to skillfully handle those feelings.

I've come upon the age where my finite existence is no longer a nebulous and distant concept, but an inescapable reality. Time does seem to go faster and faster, and I realize I need to make the most of it.

Making the most of time for me means that I'm committed more than ever to simplifying my life. I'd like to spend part of the upcoming year divesting myself of some of the unnecessary and burdensome accoutrements that I've acquired along the way. I'd like to begin traveling again and start getting to some of those things on my life's to-do list. I need to pick a few things on that list and set goals to do those things. I also to need to make an effort this year to concentrate on and appreciate my interpersonal relationships. And I need to open up more.

I've spent the month reflecting on all the wonderful things in my life and not surprisingly the most wonderful things in my life are the relationships in my life. My sons continue to bring me great joy. At one time I was fearful that I would be so sad once they approached adulthood. I admit that there is a twinge of sadness because I know that they will be leaving soon, but I'm pleasantly surprised by my overriding joy for them. I'm so very glad for my friends and family, and it's been a bit odd to see a subtle shift in my relationship with my mom. I see that she is looking to me more for advice and such...and so I'm seeing a shift in our parent-child relationship which often happens once parents become senior citizens. Sarah's extreme difficulties delivering the twinklets earlier this year gave me quite a startle. It reminded me that we can lose the ones we love in just a blink of an eye. Since then I feel like I appreciate our friendship even more. Sarah's kids have been an unexpected joy for me, too. I love them as much as my own and it's funny how unconditional love can be so easy with kids. And animals too. This time last year, I never expected to have three dogs and two cats....but I'm learning that the unexpected is one of the very best things in life if you open yourself up to it. I can't imagine my life without all my pets...and now I wonder how I ever thought that one dog and one cat would be enough! And as for the unexpected....my favorite cousin has brought me such unexpected joy this year and I'm so glad that I've gotten to know her. I think what's made the difference in my cousin's case is that I haven't had any special expectations for our relationship and so as our relationship has unfolded nearly everything has been a deilightful surprise!

Last but not least, is being in business for myself. It's been a very difficult yet rewarding experience having my own business these last two years. This year was the turning point year and I think we're gonna make it. I'm truly glad that I'm not in this alone and that I have two wonderful partners in Sarah and Brad. For me owning my own business has been more than making a living. It's allowed me the opportunity to get to know myself so much better....and even if the business eventually folds, I know that I'm a better person for having taken the chance and challenged myself.

I'm very thankful for the wonderful life that I have and even more thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life who have brought me great joy. Now it's time for me to get started on my new year....

Good Grief!!!

I can't believe it's been more than two weeks since I've updated this thing until a little birdy asked me about it....and gave me a well deserved kick in the pants too. Thanks little birdy!

I usually don't get so stressed out over a project, but the grocery store projects that Sarah and I have been working on were a bit stressful to say the least. Sarah thought that my project was much more nerve wracking than hers and I could tell that she was glad she didn't have mine. I think what made the project so stressful was that the client is so busy and it was so difficult to get information out of her....and on top of that we haven't worked for her for very long..so I felt that I had to do a lot of mind reading since she gave me a few cryptic directions and basically told me to run with it. On one hand, it's flattering to have a client have that much confidence in you....but at the same time since I haven't worked with her that much I'm not that familiar with her likes and dislikes....or really how far she wanted me to run with that ball. Some clients will say stuff like that, but they really want you to check with them on everything before making a move. Then to compound all of this....a little over a week before the original deadline she emails me and said ooops I forgot to send you all this too...and I need you to finish this ASAP...sorry. I just about cried the day she sent me that email along with the following emails with all the attachments. Needless to say....I wound up having to ask for an extension on the deadline. And even then I wasn't sure that I was gonna make that deadline either.

So after working six days a week for several weeks, I got the meat of project completed late last Friday. On Sunday, Sarah and I assembled both our projects for mailing...and at one point I was so relieved and giddy from having the monkey off my back....I suggested we take pictures of our nicely and neatly presented projects! She just laughed....but I think she did kinda want me to do it!

On Monday I had plans for an easy day for work....but I woke up late and wound up being a slug all day. I think I hit the proverbial wall! I wasn't much better Tuesday either. Today I'm starting to feel human again and getting back to my old self, but I have to say I've never been so relieved to have a project done.

We'll follow up with the client next week to make sure that everything is to her liking. If it isn't though, I think I'm gonna cry. I told Sarah that I've never worried about a project so much before. She seemed to think that it was because of the lack of direction and input as well as feedback from the client. It's like a good portion of my project was an exercise in reading the client's mind...and I'm fretting on how well I did that. I feel that if I did it well....she'll probably rely on us for lots of her work which is ultimately what we want.

I'm pleased with my work and am hopeful that the client will feel the same way. Sarah did an excellent job on her project too.

Now hopefully life will be back to normal...well whatever that is anyway...and I can pare back to five days a week again. Yipee!

A busy beginning and an emotional ending...

Sarah was over yesterday along with our friend Amanda and all three of us spent the day feverishly working on our grocery store client projects. It was nice working with Amanda again, but the work environment is quite different now. The three of us never dreamed that we would be working together at my kitchen table with our laptop computers typing merrily away! Sarah and I usually sit across the table from each other with our laptops, and to me that picture makes it looks as if we're playing a serious game of Battleship which makes me chuckle!

Monday's we work separately at home which means I work by myself at the corporate office. Thankfully I had the opportunity to switch gears and work on a Phase I Assessment report for another client which turned into a day long report marathon. I'm tired but pleased because I managed to get the first draft completed in one day and I expected it to take me two days.

This afternoon I was reminded of one of the many benefits of working at home when Nickolas started chatting with me while he worked on his homework. It used to be that the boys would start their serious discussions with me when we were driving somewhere. I don't know what it was about the car, but they almost always reserved their serious discussions while driving someplace. I think perhaps because I wasn't looking directly at them and the atmosphere was relaxed that they felt comfortable in broaching a sticky topic. Now that they're older I don't shuttle them around nearly as much and so there haven't been as many opportunities for the serious talks in the car.

Today was a pleasant surprise as I worked away at my computer until the discussion became more serious so I stopped my work for a bit to listen and talk. I was reminded today while talking with Nickolas that as much as you try to shield your kids from certain things, they still manage to pick up on stuff with their kid radar. The conversation meandered and took a couple of unexpected turns and wound up on the topic of the future. I was impressed by Nickolas' thoughtful questions and his blossoming maturity. Toward the end of the conversation things got quite emotional which alternated with him having tears in his eyes to my own tears. I think that what made the conversation so good was that it was unplanned, and it was open and honest. At the end we both agreed that our impromptu talk was a good thing, and I asked Nickolas to come talk to me more often about his worries. It was definitely a profound parent-child moment that I hope I remember always.

So now after a busy day and a wonderful talk, I'm emotionally wrung out. It was both easy and difficult, and I'd gladly do it all over again tomorrow. Well maybe not the report part!

Staying focused on the present...

I would have to say that staying focused in the here and now is one of my biggest challenges. The funny thing is that the busier I am the easier it is to stay in the present and stay focused in the now. But maybe that isn't correct either and I'm mistaken. Maybe when I get so busy like I have been the time passes so quickly as I try to keep up that I think I'm focusing on the present when all I'm doing is keeping my mind busy. Hmmm, this is something to think about more.

Today is my day off this week and it's shaping up to be a beautiful day. I don't have anything really planned for the day thinking that I would take it easy and usually that's okay for me. But today I feel my mind reaching and yearning for a future that's still off in the distance. Doh...it's days like today that I wonder if my patience is nothing more than a carefully constructed house of cards which is wobbling in the breeze.

I think it's time for another internal pep talk because I don't want to waste this beautiful day stewing and yearning for the future. I know the future is coming, and things will work out one way or the other. But my mind is restless today...perhaps the best course is to let it run its course instead of trying to rein it in and suppress the feelings.

Doh....I feel so antsy.....but I know it'll pass....it's that patience thing again.

Money and bills...

Another long day. This working six days a week is getting a little old. Oh well that's the life of a business owner though....especially for a new and not yet established business. Generally the environmental business is pretty slow in December so I'll take extra time then.

The benefit of the extra work is extra money. On Friday I was able to pay off a pretty good size credit card, and I'll be paying off a second one at the end of the month. So that feels like an accomplishment and helps keep me motivated.

I paid off my car last fall and I must say it has been very nice not having a car payment. Actually I love not having a car payment. And in August I sent in the last payment for Erik's orthodontics. Of course his braces were removed long before I finished paying for them! Anyway the point is I'm starting to see a domino effect starting with paying off bills.

I'm making good progress on the bills and it feels good. Of course I wish the progress were much faster, but since I recently blabbed to someone that I'm much more patient than I used to be...well I guess this is a good test of how patient I've become. Plus I didn't rack up the bills overnight, so it'll take a little while to knock them all out.

It's funny because my views about money have changed over the last few years, and I think it's linked to my goal to simplify my life. Ideally my goal is to be able to have a mortgage as my only longterm debt. I don't know if it's feasible, but I think I'd like to give it a try. I'm not looking to get rich and I don't want to overly deprive myself either. I think balance is the key. Neither too much nor too little.

These last several days I've really been thinking about Emerson's quote that money often costs too much. That's true on so many levels. But since I have no intention of living the life of an ascetic, money is necessary to a certain extent. And I do like some nice things. Plus I would like to travel more. So once again it comes back to finding the proper balance.

I haven't found it yet, but I think I'm on the right track. Now I just have to hope that I have the patience to meet my goals. Time to put my money where my mouth is.

A day of reflection....

Only one day off again this week, so I had a nice relaxing day doing yardwork and reading....and maybe a little daydreaming too! Since it's my day off, instead of writing my own thoughts.....I'm gonna cheat and write some of my favorite thoughts of others. Here's what I've been thinking about this weekend....

Money often costs too much.
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Real generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present.
(Albert Camus)

For one who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends. But for one who has failed to do so, his very mind will be his greatest enemy.
(The Bhagavad-Gita)

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs - jolted by every pebble in the road.
(Henry Ward Beecher)

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship.
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

And last but certainly not least.....

Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)